What do diapers and politicians have in common?
A: They both stink and need to be changed often.
What’s a potato’s favorite form of transportation?
A: The gravy train
Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
A: He was out standing in his field.
70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is
carbonated. So the earth is, in fact, what?
A: Flat.
The fact that Head & Shoulders doesn’t have a body wash
called “what” disappoints me?
A: ‘Knees & Toes’.
Why does a bride always cry at the wedding?
A: Because she never marries the best man.
Archaeologist: someone whose career what?
A: Lies in ruins.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State
Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
A: His car got toad.
Why did the Apple Watch lose the fight to the
grandfather clock?
A: The clock had hands.
Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees?
A: Because they’re really good at it.
What did one ocean say to the other?
A: Nothing, they just waved at each other.
Plagiarism: Getting into trouble for what?
A: Something you didn’t do.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and do
what?
A: Call whatever you hit the target.
Why do melons have weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.
I got a job at a paperless office. Everything was great
until I needed to what?
A: Use the bathroom.
I Just found out the company that produces yardsticks
won’t be what?
A: Making them any longer.
Two men are on opposite sides of the river. The first
man shouts, “How do I get to the other side of the river?” What does the
other man yell?
A: The other man yells, “You ARE on the other side of the river.”
What do biologists wear to work on Casual Friday? ?
A: Genes.
Why are chemists great at solving problems?
A: Because they have all of the solutions!
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working
the moment you are born, and never stops until what?
A: Until you stand up to speak in public.
What’s a tree’s favorite condiment?
A: Branch dressing.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the
closet?
A: SUPPLIES!!!!
A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some
two-by-fours. The clerk asks, “How long do you need them?” What does the guy
answer?
A: The guy answers, “A long time. We’re going to build a house.”
I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.
What did he say?
A: He said they all look that way, and I should have left him in the
garden.
Learn to spell… AutoCorrect isn’t always what?
A: Write.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? ?
A: Nobody knows.
Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper?
A: He wanted to live in the present.
What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?
A: Don’t wok away from me!
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at
what?
A: The last person to upset you.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
A: Because they could spend years at C.
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
A: Because of all the sand which is there!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Smoking
bacon will what?
A: Cure it.